Happily Ever After Starts at the Beginning

I have performed hundreds of weddings and have come to the conclusion (completely unverified) that you can tell a lot about the dynamics of the marriage by how the couple behaves while getting married. One wedding I performed involved a couple that already had a child. While the groom focused on his friends in the audience, the bride focused on their baby and neither of them appeared to be aware of the other. Their marriage only lasted a few years. Sometimes the bride and groom don't appear to have any awareness about what they are saying as they repeat their vows; rather a glazed over, deer-in-the-headlights look is in their eyes.

• Be cognizant of what you are agreeing to-be sure that the vows truly reflect the meaning of your commitment.

“For better for worse” doesn't mean, “until you cheat on me.” And “In sickness and in health” doesn't mean, “I'll stay with you as long as you are young, attractive, healthy and active.” So, if what you really mean when you get married is that this is a conditional agreement, be clear about it. If what you really mean is “I'll be with you until you break our vows” or “I'll be with you as long a it is fun and easy” or “I'll love you until you gain weight, “discuss this with your partner and make sure that marriage is what you really want to do. After all, there really isn't a lot of point in getting married if you aren't serious about doing the work. And if you have valid conditions (and yes, there definitely are some), be clear going in as to what they are. “I'll stay with you as long as we are both contributing to a low-drama, zero-violence, harmonious and respectful, drug-free household” may actually be more in alignment with what you really mean.

With that said, “doing the work” in a marriage doesn't mean “tolerating you until one of us dies” either. Rather, it means putting some time and energy into making sure that you have some relationship skills, are responsible for your own self-esteem, have discussed the “big issues” and are in agreement on how to go about solving problems.

• Remember that this is a sacred ceremony-not a performance. Weddings often seem more like a highly rehearsed performance than the creation of a powerful union. Do your best to be focused on what is happening now, between you and your partner.
• Contrary to popular belief, a wedding is not a photo shoot. While everyone wants beautiful photos of their wedding day, a beautiful experience is even more important. If you are focusing all your attention on whether your pictures are going to look good, whether your hair is in place, and whether the ring is showing up properly, you are going to miss the moment. Let your photographers know that you are willing to pose your pictures after the ceremony if they aren't able to get exactly what was needed during.
• Be in the moment: Notice what your partner's eyes are like while you are saying your vows. Notice the meaning of the words being said. Take note of your senses-what do you smell, hear, see, feel as you share your vows?

As I say when officiating ceremonies, “This commitment is the alignment of your words, which speak boldly of your intentions, and your actions, which speak louder than your words.” The same holds true in the marriage itself. Align your words, thoughts and actions with your goal of creating a harmonious, loving relationship. Be clear about what you are and are not willing to do. Take responsibility for what you bring to the table. Be present and aware.

When the couple is really aware during the ceremony, there is a sweet, “chicken-skin” feeling that is tangible and an honor to share with them. If they continue to be present in their relationship, that sweetness can permeate a lifetime together.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What does marriage mean to you?

Love tip of the Week: Marriage is not a romantic fairy tale and happily ever after may require a lot of work. The work, however, is not on your partner; it is on your own clarity and self-mastery - right from the start.

Thank you to contributing author, Eve Hogan!